Helen, Fat Pig and Me

Hello everyone! I must say that it has been quite enjoyable reading all the posts this summer. I can tell how much everyone is learning and growing over these intense summer months. I have not posted until now for many reasons. Mostly because I like talking about myself about as much as I like getting a root canal. But as the pressure of performing in Fat Pig has melted away after opening night, I realize that it might help you to know how I arrived at this place. First I must say that I forgot exactly how much actors risk everyday in rehearsal. We cut open our soul and put it on display for no other reason than for the entertainment of others. And while it is an incredibly creative and rewarding craft, it also puts into harsh perspective everything about ourselves that we wish could be different. Yes, I knew exactly what I was getting into by auditioning for a play where my character would be ridiculed for her outward appearance. I didn't really know how emotionally difficult that would be. I actually don't ever remember being made fun of for being plus sized. However, I wan't prepared for the fact that my strongest critic would be myself. I didn't realize that in playing Helen, that I would have to face some ugly daemons from inside my own head. I was interviewed for two different newspapers about Fat Pig, and both asked me what I felt about my character, and honestly, I admire her. She has a fearlessness about her that gets her into this relationship with Tom in the first place. If it were up to me I would just leave him sitting there precariously balancing his lunch tray on his lap. I am sure that some of you would disagree with me about my estimation of myself, but to that I say, I only show you what I want you to see. I am working on this, I am letting Helen influence me, I am becoming brave. In some ways this summer, I realized that I have been very comfortably hiding in and among the fabric, patterns, buttons and bows of my costume world. While I love the collaboration, art and skill involved in designing costumes for you, it left me on the outside looking in at a much braver passion. I am so thankful for the chance to re connect with my actor self! I have remembered old lessons that didn't make sense to me at the time I was exposed to them in grad school. For example my acting professor would always say that if you are struggling with an emotion in your scene, find what you need in your partner. That made sense to me for the first time in some of the last rehearsals for Fat Pig. In rehearsing the final scene of the show, I had no idea how I was going to summon the emotions necessary to give a truthful reaction to Tom's final monologue. But when I sat there on stage in lights connected to my partner, my emotions just came through without any effort at all. It was one of the most honest moments I have experienced onstage up til now. So, yeah, OK, I graduated with an MFA in acting more years ago than I am willing to write down here right now, and yes, there are still lessons that I am learning. So perhaps that is what I hope that you can take away from this posting. You never stop learning, growing and experiencing. The only thing that is a constant, no matter who you are, or what play you are performing in: learn your lines and learn them fast! ha ha! It's only after you get that crap out of the way that you can truly start to play. (oh no! I'm rhyming now! ahh) I am very excited to get back to classes in the fall with all this new found passion for acting. No, not just a passion for acting, for all theatrical arts. I have already been hard at work creating some amazing looks for Hedda that I can't wait to see in fabric and on bodies! So, see you all in August with some bold new ideas and a brave new attitude!